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GRANTS CONVENTION, 



PHILADELPHIA 



-BEE, 






PRICE, FIFTY CENTS. 






Entered according to act of Congress in the year 1872, 

BY HOKE BE IDLER. 

in the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington, 



biciittfl 



TO OUR GREAT PARENTAL SIRE, 

Chairman of the Committee of 

GEAET'S REPUBLICAN PAETY 

OF AMERICA, SAN DOMINGO, ETC.. ELC. 
By His Ponderous Friend, 



PREFACE. 



^ V 



^%LL men are endowed by their Creator 

inalienab'.. rights, iin lg .ire 

life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness : which 

will explain the reasons for my writing these 

pages 

•• Hoke Beidler." 

-• 

REVIEW PRE--. MB N M 

St. Louis, Mo.. June, 1872 



FIRST EPISTLE. 

TOPIC. 

Tom Big Bee River Post Office, ) 
America, June, 1872. S 

To My Parental Sire, Chairman of the United States, Gran; 

Reptiblican Committee ! 
|gf Have been Postmaster at this place for two years, and 
^5g5 have been doing quite well. 

I suppose you know that U. S Granty is President of Ame- 
rica, Africa, and St. Domingo. 

Well, before he was elected, I met him at an African meet- 
ing, where one of the learned speakers declared that Washing- 
ton was not as good a General as Qranty. 

When he made that remark I replied "clever for Granty." 
Then it was that a man walked right up to me, and said : 
" You shall be Postmaster as soon as I am elected President." 
" Well," said I, " are you Granty yourself? " "lam the same 
person," said he. Then I shook his brave hand, what was a 
Shake. And ever since the African meeting we have been 
friends. And you better believe, when the nomination took 
place, I had a big part to play, for I knew all the African Par- 
sons in our whole neighborhood, and, of course, I told them 
that they must send me as a delegate to the Convention, to 
nominate Granty. And they told all the brethren that I am 
the man of all others, for I knew Granty well. 



8 

So they agreed to send me. And at one of their meetings 
(I think it was class meeting), I was made a delegate. I re- 
ceived my credentials from the African Parson's hand after they 
closed their meeting. And what a shouting took place when 
it was anounced that I had the authority, to make a President. 
Then we adjourned to Uncle Abe's barn, where we had a jolly 
time, in cider drinking, eating pumkin pie, and talking po- 
litics. 

And I can tell you, my dear Sire, these Africans know all 
about politics. The old Parson told me a matter of history 
that I never knew before; and I thought I would tell you, for 
you may not remember it. 

He told me that Capt. Noah, of the ark, was elected Pre- 
sident of the Flood, by the unanimous consent of all the able- 
bodied men, without respect of color, name, or occupation ; 
and that he run the Flood for his own benefit for forty years, 
and then made Hannibal (no Kin to Darwin), his eldest son, his 
successor, because he was dark, and had a large experience in 
telegraphing. Buf before the Flood abated, Hannibal put into 
the Ark one hundred and seventeen thousand Africans, all of 
the tribe of Hannibal, and sailed for America, and landed on the 
Tom Big Bee River, in the month of the fourth of July, seven- 
teen hundred and seventy-six, where Hannibal met Granty's 
Father, the venerable Postmaster of Kentucky. All this may 
be new to you, my dear sire ; but, neverthless, I heard the 
African Parson tell it, and he would not have told it, if it was 
not true. 

Well, I was going to tell you about the time we had in 
Uncle Abe's barn. I will now go ahead. We were all drink- 



ing "bumpers, " if you know what that is, my dear sire. But 
I think I better tell you that you can tell it in your lectures. 
Well, we put some cider in a pumpkin, after the seeds were 
taken out of it, of course. Then one of the African breth- 
ren topk the pumpkin in his hand, when it was full of cider, 
and he passes it from one to the other, until all had partici- 
pated ; but if there is not enough to take the rounds, he fills 
it up again, and so on until all had partaken of the cider. Then 
the one that drank first, arises, and gives a toast for all the 
rest tD respond to. I must tell you what the toasts were. 
The first was this : To the circumference of the times, and 
" General Granty." After th's, one after another got up and 
responded, and I will give you some of their responses. 

The first that responded was the old high Parson Hipo- 
cratus, a man of great research in the swamps of despair for 
Coon. — " Gentlemen, to the circumference, and diameter of 
Granty, and to the discoverer of San Domingo. I would 
say, may his shadow be as pure as mud without rain, and 
may the sands of L">ng Island be the pride of his footsteps, 
and the South be made into feathers, and all be but in a pillow, 
for him to lay his justly celebrated head upon." 

He then sat down on a pumpkin pile, while the second one 
responded. The next that spoke was an American citizen of 
foreign desent. He looked somewhat as though he had Eur- 
opeon decent. Pu ntarorious said : " Fellow citizens ! I am to 
give my superabundance of evidence in favor of Granty. I 
knew him when he was a boatman on the Tom Big Bee River. 
And a noble fellow citizen he was. He was good on a Coon, 
for I remember I have seen him set all day, waiting for a Coon., 



10 

to come down from a Saplin. He told me he was going to 
fight it out on that line ; and so he did, for the Coon had to 
come down or starve."— Next Radicalrorum followed and said: 
"Verily! Verily! I say unto you," that " I live yet, and will 
live while there is a dollar in the American coffer box ! And I 
here declare, and place the seal of my power upon it, that Grant 
must be the next President of America, Liberia, and all of 
Africa, in the name of the Commonwealth of Rhode Island, 
with San Domingo included."— The following poem was then 
read by Mr. Benjamin Bag-him-all from Massachusetts : 

THE ISLE OF GRANT, OR SAN DOMINGO'S PARADISE. 

Is San Domingo now the land 

" Where milk and honey flows," 
Where labor has no earthly friend, 

But all spontaneous grows ? 

If so, the sooner it's annexed, 

The better for us all ; 
For who don't like the thought of ''rest," 

And quit the the ax and maul ? 

To have a farm that needs no plough, 

No harrow, or no rake ; 
No cultivator, hoe or spade, 

Would not be hard to take. 

To have a farm that needs no work, 

But all is play and fun, 
Is what America now wants ; 

Then labor they can shun. 

So San Domingo is the farm 

We have been looking for : 
No cow to milk, no pigs to feed, 

Upon that happy shore. 



1 1 

The ladies there shall have a vote,— 

A vote for every day— 
They do the voting for their lords, 

And statesmanship display. 

They'll vote for peace and comfort sure. 
They'll vote that men may rest ; 

They'll vote no dishes there to wash, 
Yet live upon the " best." 

Their lilly hands shall ne'er get cold, 

For cold is not known there ; 
The zephyr's fan them all the year, 
Bat never tan the fair. 

The sun is always shining warm, 

But never gets too hot; 
It's '• May" all year, with fragrant bloom, 

Aud riches all have got. 

No trouble, pain, nor sickness there, 

No one betrayed by friend ; 
But all command respect and love, 

And each the other defend. 

No drunkards fools, nor wicked men, 

Live on the Isle of Grant; 
But parity, inherent pure, 

Grow- as a native plant. 

Spontaneously all good's produced, 

Ami evil there is none ; 
The beautiful will only grow 

Beneath that tropic sun. 

The trees there bear all men can eat, 

From grape to pumpkin p'e; 
No cooking is required there, 
Nor coffee made of " Rye.'- 



12 

This Paradise, just lately found, 

Is all that man can wish ; 
Discovered by a Grant who knows, 

The luxuries of" Fish." 

Then honor be to Grant for time, 

For he so loves us now, 
That he bestows his time, his work, 

And makes the Senate "bow." 

A ship is ready, now to take 

Each friend of Grant's to where 
All innocents should live on earth, 

And have no wordly "care." 

Beyond doubt, Grants 

DELEGATE. 



SECOND EPISTLE. 

TOPIC. 

Tom Big Bee Riyer Post Office, ) 
America, June 1872. \ 

To My Parental Sire, Chairman of the United States Grant 

Republican Coon??iittee : 

On my departure for the Convention to nominate Granty, at 
the city of Philadelphia, a city in America, in the western 
hemisphere, between the Schuylkill and Delaware rivers, and 
not far from Camden, and north of a place they call WASH- 
INGTON. I am somewhat particular in describing the location 
so that you imy be able to find it when you want to lecture 
there. Well what I intended to say. When I started for Phil- 
adelphia City, all the brethren came to see me, and gave me a 
welcome push, on my hazardous journey to make a President. 

The old high Parson, dear brother, came and gave me his 



13 

benediction, and consoling prerogatives, and the last word he 
told me was, " To stick to Granty, as a dog would to a skunk." 
After giving good bye to all the friends, I drawed the reins on 
my spotted mule, and raised my umbrella, cracked my whip, 
and off I started to make the best President St. Domingo or 
any other Island ever had. 

The first day I traveled through the timber and swamps sing- 
ing to myself. 

Oh I hail to the man that made the first law, 
And hail to the man with jackasses jaw, 
That slew the wild tribes on America's coast, 
For I am his son of whom they all boast. 

Well in the evening I came to a meeting house where an 
African Parson was holding forth to a large congregation of all 
sexes. I rapped at the door with my whip stock, and brought 
out five or six brethren in a mighty big hurry. They asked me 
what I was about ? About " said I," " Why don't you know 
who I am ?" "lama delegate to the Convention at the city of 
Philadelphia to make a Republican President," and I pulled 
out my credentials and they all succumbed. 

I was then invited to walk in and sit by the Parson on the 
platform while the services were in operation. 

Well everybody looked at me, but I did not let on, but felt 
my dignification on the occasion. After the services I went 
home with Deacon Coverall. Pumpkin pie, coon meat, and 
cold hominy made my repast. I then retired to the loft where 
I had one board to lay on, which was laid over the joice, so of 
course, I had to lay rather straight for comfort, and for fear of 
falling off I drove two nails on each side, so, if I should get 



14 

from one side to the other, they might be reminders of narrow 
passages and no dreams. So the next morning I got out all 
straight without a dream, and fully conscious of my high pre- 
rogatives. 

After breakfast I wanted to pay the Deacon with a possum skin 
for his hospitalities, but he would not take an EAR of it, so I 
thanked him for his generosity, and departed on my road sing- 
ing the good, " Old times of my boyhood." 

I know between the hills, 

I always find the hollow, 
I know that Granty's pills, 

This delegate must swallow. 

Chorus— Rally round the gum tree, 

Ye possums and ye coons, 
Rally round Tom Big Bee, 
I'm looking tor some spoons. 

The day rolled on and the sun commenced bending his way 
toward the declivity of the west. 

I seen that beautiiul Orb just as the horizon hid the first line, 
to vail it from my sight, as red as the blood of patriots, and as 
grand as the soul of a Christian. 

Well what I was about saying that the chickens were going 
to roost. So I stopped at a planter's house and inquired if a 
delegate to the Philadelpnia Convention could stay all night- 
" Yes," was the prompt reply, from a gentleman who had traces 
of years on his noble brow, yet his eyes as joyful at the sight of 
a stranger as a boy with a new "shinny club." 

I was at once invited to the house, which was magnificent, 
both in exterior and interior. 



15 

I was soon seated at a table full of southern luxuries and 
waited upon by African Descents that gave evidence of care 
and kind treatment from their former masters. After the en- 
joyment of a full meal, done up in white dishes, I was again so- 
licited to enter the parlor, where wealth and good taste was 
exhibited with modesty and harmonious blendings of gorgeous 
beauty. In our conversation, Dear Sire, I was very careful not 
to say too much, for I felt I was not at the right place. And 
indeed I must confess I would have rather laid on the plank in 
the cabin that I did the night before than to remain in so gor- 
geous a palace. My associations have not been quite in that 
circle, and as you may have had some experience in the same 
path of duty, you can sympathize with my feelings in spending 
an evening with a family of high culture and modern refine- 
ment, but I weathered it through and came out all right. 

But the old gentleman who owned the plantation did say he 
thought Greeley would make a better President for America, 
or the United States, than Granty, but I kept mum ; I had not 
a word to say. Well I nodded my head, but made no audible 
reply ; for you know I was a delegate and was under obliga- 
tion to go for a man that would go for Congressional interfer- 
ence on the day of voting, so that we can carry all the members 
of Congress, and run the government to our own benefit and 
behoof. So I did not think that was a good time to discuss the 
issues of the coming campaign. And I knew I could not pay 
my bill with possum skins there so I played all the dignity I 
could that my bill would be paid by politeness, and not by 
greenbacks, for I was short in money, but I had an order on the 
Treasurer of the Convention for seven hundred dollars from my 



\6 

old friend in Washington, and knew I would be all right when 
I got to Philadelphia. 

When I asked what my indebtedness was I received the reply 
<l Not anything, but would be glad to see you on your return." 

As I stepped out to the yard I found my spotted mule all 
right in the shafts of the old gig, soundinghis bugle for me, so 
I bid them all a polite fare-the-well, cracked my whip, my mule 
blew his bugle once more, and off we were towards the Conven- 
tion singing the old rallying song : 

Hurrah for money Grant; not Greely, 
I'll spend your party money freely, 
For Captain Grant shall run the boat, 
Then every pig shall be a shoat. 

Chorus— Rally round my mule oats 

Ye bushels pecks and quarts, 

Sing ye nightingales the notes, 

Of mixing straw with shorts. 

Another day was lapping into night when I was glad to learn 
that I had arrived at the locomotive headquarters where people 
take the cars to go to the north by steam and rail. I stopped 
at a tavern and had my mule put up. I told them I was a dele- 
gate ; that they should take good care of my muh until I re- 
turned. 

Well, Dear Sire, at 10 o'clock at night I mounted the plat- 
form of the cars. I think I better tell you some of my thoughts 
and feelings, for you may want to ride in the cars when you go 
out lecturing. When I first heard what they call the whistle, 
I felt shocked, and my heart bounced in my body, but I did not 
let on. However a kind lady sitting in front of me asked me 



*7 

what was the matter. I turned off my feelings by saying that 
I was a delegate. 

But the cars kept rolling mighty fast, an_l I wondered if they 
were flying in the air, jumping from one c*oud to another, for 
they went bump, bump, and when they ca a * to the bump part 
I thought we were "dropping through" all the time. I felt kind 
of sick, but did not let on, when some gjntleman offered me 
something out of a small green bottle. He said it was Vitalize^ 
and I took a big SNORT, and drawed my lips together, and said 
"that is good." He said, "Take more." So I did, and I 
found it good for my "stomachs sake." 

Well what I was going to say, that Vitalizer was a mighty 
good thing, for I soon felt better and commenced talking to all 
the passengers, for I felt that the Vitalizer was just the thing 
for me, if it was a Yankee invention. I made up my mind that, 
if the .ars would, could or should fly, I'll fly too. And all the 
fear of my body left me, as docs the dew drops before the morn- 
ing sun. And I stood upon my feet like a delegate without 
fear or favor. I told the passengers in the cars that I was a 
delegate, and that I had the credentials in my vest pocket that 
would make the next President. How they wondered who 
was, asked each other, then looked at me, then looked at some- 
body and laughed, and so did I laugh for I wanted some fun to 
make more cir-cum-ven-ti-la-tion, I thought I would sing them 
OLD ten HUNDRED as we used to sing it in the land of my 
birth : 

Oh ! land of my birth, 
How mighty thig earth, 
Where people can ride in the care. 



18 



No fare need I pay, 
On any railway, 
Credentials will pass, 
On every first-class, 
On cars or on boat, 
For Grant I shall vote, 
As oft as I can. 
For he is my man. 
While people can ride in the cars. 

Respectfully, your undisturbed constitutional 

Delegate. 



THIRD EPISTLE. 

TOPIC. 

Tom Big Bee River Post Office, ) 
America, June, 1872. $ 

To my Parental Sire, Chairman of the United States Grant 

Republican Committee. 

As I was saying, when I arrived at Philadelphia, I was some- 
what astonished to see so large a city. When I wrote you my 
last I told you all about my car experience, and something of 
the Yankee vitalizer. I shall now tell something about Phila- 
delphia and the great Convention. 

I stopped at the tavern they call the Markoe tavern, but 
have no sign out, as we have in the land I was born. I thought 
I would stop at the sign of the "Bulls Head," but could not 
find it; so I thought I would try the Markoe. 

Well, when I got there I was very tired, for I walked four 
hours to find the "old Bulls Head," and then could not find it. 



19 

The reason I walked to the tavern, was just this: when I got 
out of the cars, there was a regiment of men and boys came to 
me and hollowed, hack, buss, carriage and baggage wagon, 
until I did not know what they wanted. They all said, take 
you to the hotel for half a dollar, so I gave six or eight each a 
half dollar, and when I was ready to start, not one of them was 
to be seen; so I made up my mind that I could find "Bulls 
Head," for none of them could tell me, anyhow. 

Well, as I was going to say, 1 arrived at the tavern tired, 
hungry and thirsty; but I did not begrudge my walk through 
town, for I saw things a great deal funnier than I had any idea 
of. The first thing I was requested to do when I got in the 
hotel, was writing my name in a big book. 1 thought they 
wanted to know my name, so I told them just what it was, and 
I also told in bold words that 1 was a delegate, and had the 
credentials in my vest pocket to make a President. My Dear 
Sire, these were "times to be met and not folio ved;" so I went 
in. The Markoe tavern is a large brick house with some six 
hundred rooms, large and small. 

But the room that attracted my attention most was down 
stairs, and back of the office or bar-room ; and dear Sire, I 
want to tell you about it, that you may find it when vou lecture 
there. They call it at Philadelphia a sample room, a place 
where they sell vitalizer by the sample; and a jolly good time 
I had there, for the place was full of delegates and I was intro- 
duced to all of them ; and they called me up to imbibe of the 
vitilizing fluid, and I did until I felt like swimming or flying, or 
something else that was pleasant ; and I thought they all felt as 



20 

I did, for we all acted alike, and the more we imbibed the more 
hurrahing there was for Granty. 

I did think he would be nominated right there, and then. 
I was helped on a chair, for I soon found that vitilizing fluid 
had the effect of downward motion, rather than upward. So 
you see my dear Sire, a little help was of much benefit just then. 
As I was saying, when I got on my feet and the chair between 
me and the floor, I thought the floor was coming up to me. 
But I stemmed the current, for I knew that Granty must be 
nominated, and I must accomplish it as fast as I could; so 
when I found that I could stand straight up and down in the 
crowd, I opened my mouth and spoke in this wise: 

"Respected delegates and felfow servants of the mighty, 
inexhaustable, and unremitting Granty. I rise to explain my- 
self to this august and honorable body, and in as few words as 
my experience will admit of. I left the bosom of my happy 
family in the Sunny South, where we luxuriate in the inviting 
shades of the palm tree. Their mighty tops reach heaven- 
ward, and their branches covers many acres of carpeted ver- 
dure, where the weary planter can take rest from the toil of the 
loyal cotton fields. 

Respected and most noble delegates ! I appeal to your pa- 
triotism and to the blood of your sires, and to your loyalty, to 
hearken unto my voice ; for I speak not in parables, but deliver 
unto you the truth." "As I was saying, the morning I left the 
bosom of my family with my spotted mule, that has no less than 
one hundred and sixty-four spots and neither two of the same 
size or of the same shade or color, I cracked my whip and 
started for the undiscovered route I was called upon by dutv to 



21 

discover; and I must here declare, that every emotion of my 
being is for loyalty and Granty. I have no ambition to gratify, 
no enemies to punish ; all I ask is my country and a post-office, 
and if Granty is made President, I know I shall have the post- 
office on Tom Big Bee River. The few months I was in the 
Confederate service were hours ever of deep solicitude and deep 
regret, for all my goods that I had to sell was paid by Confed- 
erate scrip, and I had no confidence in that kind of currency. 
I well knew that the power of the North was sufficient to crush 
us, and the money be of no service or of no value, and lose 
my time and goods without recompense; and as you all must 
know, it would cause deep solicitude in the bosom of any loyal 
citizen of this Convention. As I was just about saying, I here 
nominate Granty for President of America, Africa, and St. 
Domingo, and all those that are in favor of that will say I." 

Now let me tell you my dear Sire of my utter astonishment, 
when not a voice was raised for Granty. All that was said was,, 
"put him out, put him out!" And what happened after that 
I do not remember; all I can now remember was, the next 
morning when I awoke I was in a bed with brain ache, orcran- 
aotamy. My breakfast was brought to my room, and after I 
had my toilet neatly arranged and partook of a full meal, I 
went down stairs where I met a large number of delegaes, and 
we had a few words of salutation, then adjourned to the place I 
had been last evening where they deal out vitalizer. 

Well, as I was saying, I took a drink and found it revived 
my spirits, and I became quite jolly and somewhat salubrious, 
as did all the rest of the delegates. But after I took six or eight 
measured doses from a wine glass, I felt like singing the "Girl 
of my Boyhood," so I let loose and went it. 



">o 



I 

Ah ! when shall we all meet again, 
While Grant shall hold the nation's reign ? 
We footmen, runners, white and black; 
Must look ahead, but never back. 

II 

The bulls may bellow, pigs may squeal, 
As party men we never steal ; 
We serve the country, not for gain — 
Ag officers we ne'er complain. 

Ill 

The^taxes we collect with care, 
And every friend we must treat fair; 
But let the Greely men look out, 
For we just know what we're about. 

IV 

The sheep may bleat, the 'ducks may quack, 
The gold we made vou can't get back ; 
For he that loves his party well, 
Would of no party secrets tell. 



The dogs may bark, the geese may hies, 
But Grant's election must not miss; 
Another term is his by right, 
So honest Greely we must fight. 

VI 

The swine may gran*, the cocks may crow, 
The honest people they don't kuow, 
That politics will pay to learn— 
Dishonest men, the honest spurn. 

Respectfully, your vitalized, confectionated, 

DELEGATE. 



23 

FOURTH EPISTLE. 

TOPIC. 

Tom Big Bee River Post Office, ) 
America, June, 1872. ) 

To My Parental Sire, Chairman of the United States, Grant 
Republican Committee / 

As I said in my last, my very dear sire, I must tell you more 
of the Philadelphia Convention, etc. 

When I had finished my song on the girl of my early boy- 
hood, I started for the Convention, as I found I could not no- 
minate Granty at the Markoe Tavern. So I went, and all the 
delegates th. t stopped to hear my song, which was the majority 
of the whole Convention. 

And after I had found the place that was designed for me to 
occupy in the Convention, I took my seat. After I had looked 
around at all the delegates, and found where the chairman was 
located, I got up to address the Convention and state my gre- 
viancies, and my political position. 

I addressed the chairman as Mr. President of the Grant Re- 
publican Convention, who is to nominate Granty as President 
of America, Africa, and San Domingo. I arose to give my 
gratuitous opinions of the state of general politics, and the pe- 
rils of a loyal American citizen on the high way to success. The 
chairman recognized me as the gentleman from Tom Big Bee 
River. So, my dear sire, I continued my address as follows : 

"Mr. President, my honored and valiant reconstructed fel- 
low-citizen ! With your permission I will now continue to ad- 
dress this deliberating body. As I was about declaring to this 
assembly, I came to this place for the purpose of making one 



24 

of our noble fellow-citizens President of America, Africa, and 
the beautiful Isle of the Sea, San Domingo, the lovliest spot on 
this green earth, and while my loins yearn for the good of 
home, and the general prosperity of my family, I have sacri- 
ficed my time on the altar of a common heritage in the repub- 
lican party. I have been baptized in the blood >of loyalty, and 
the fire of civil war. 

" My second wife's uncle was the; victim of death in the war, 
and the dwelling of my aunt was destroyed by the element 
which destroys quickly. But I was willing to make all these, 
and many more sacrifices for the republican party. What is 
life without Country? And Country without the power to rule ? 
This country must be ruled by the loyal citizens of America ; 
and the * servant is worthy of his hire,' says the Book. And 
as I was just saying, the income tax must be increased, more 
taxes must be gathered, more be placed in the American 
Treasury. Loyal men must be supported, and if it requires 
the confiscation of all the property that is held by the enemies 
of our glorious party, north, south, east, and west. We must 
live, though the rest of the world perish ; for on us hangs this 
whole American government, and save it we must, if we perish 
in the struggle. 

"Now, Mr. President, this paper you see in my hand, is a 
pledge of my loyalty ; — it is an order to the Treasurer of the 
Convention for seven hundred dollars to be paid to me for my 
devotion to party, and America. What shall I do with the 
order ? " 

The President replied that it would be paid at head-quarters, 
which is the Custom House. 



I said "all right. Then, Mr. President, and my highly re- 
spected friends, I have one more matter to dispose of before I 
1 take my seat ; and that is to secure the nomination of the 
great grand, mighty, universal, successful Granty of the Ame- 
rican Army. And before I make a formal motion, let me ex- 
press my views and undying devotion to his well being. And 
as I was just saying, I have no selfish motive in view, but am 
entirely willing to serve my country in the capacity of Post- 
master on Tom Big Bee River, for, probable, there is not a 
man in the country who would give more time to the position, 
and give better satisfaction to all the colored brethren of our 
district. But to the point. 

"I nominate — " and right here a thousand voices hollored : 
" Out of order! Out of order !"— " Put him out !" "Put him 
down!"— "Go for him !" 

At this kind of treatment I felt somewhat discouraged. So 
I left the Convention for the Custom House, to get my order 
cashed. When I introduced myself as the delegate from Tom 
Big Bee River, he gave a hearty shake of the hand and said : 
"I have heard of you ; glad to meet my friends who are loyal, 
and fight for party and party power. I have received a notice 
from Washington to honor your order. So here i5 a check to 
the first National Bank."— Said I : "All clever." 

I then asked the gentleman how he liked his Treasury bus- 
iness. He said it was " rather comfortable business." But it 
did not pay as well as the New York Custom House. " But," 
said he, "as soon as Granty shall be re-elected chiefexecutive, 
the tariff will be increased, and it will make our business better, 
and get much more money from the clerks of America for 



26 

electioneering funds, and add more strength to the party. But 
you must say nothing about this," said he, "for if Greeley 
knew anything of this matter of applying clerks money to the 
purposes we do, he would make a fuss, for he watches things 
close, and then don't want Granty made President; so, you 
see, 'mum' is the word." But the Treasury man continued, 
and I stopped to hear him out. Said he : "Greeley would make 
the most honest President we ever had in this country. I 
think he is as honest, as a Washington, or a Lincoln was. But 
Greeley has his own way of carrying out and doing the thing, 
as he calls it. He has his own policy, and his policy is just 
what Lincoln would have carried out, if he should have lived ; 
for I think Lincoln was the most liberal republican we ever had. 
He was a republican of the Pittsburg school, and not of the late 
radical party that we claim to uphold. I was a Lincoln man 
when he was elected, but when Johnson became the President, 
I knew he was all right, and would carry out all his Lincoln's 
ideas and precepts. But when we republicans found that Lin- 
coln's policy was not radical enough for those that had the 
power, we turned against Johnson, and supported radicalism, 
that we might be on the winning side. I believe that loyalty, 
and patriotism demanded that course, and it was the only way 
by which we could hold together the republican or radical 
party. Doolittle was right, and so was Cowen of Pennsyl- 
vania." 

Well, my dear sire, while he was telling me all the secrets, 
I was thinking how I would like to have a little vitalizing fluid 
to give me republican patriotism, and American feelings. 

Well, as I was just saying, I went down to the Markoe tavern 



2/ 

with seven hundred dollars of loyal money, and I felt all happy, 
singing Yankee Doodle, until one of those fellows they call in 
the north police, said, "you'r my bait." Said I, with a scorn* 
| of indignation, "do you know who you are addressing?" Said 
he, "I think 1 do." Said I, "think not. I am a delegate to- 
the loyal convention and have my credentials to prove it." So 
I drawed them out and poked them under his nose. Said he : 
" Go and attend to your business, you are all right." "Go it.' 5, 
| So I continued singing until I got to the Markoe Tavern. 
Let dogs delight, to bark and bite, 

For that they rather do : 
But loyal people who like Grant, 
Your Vows at once renew. 

Let Bears and Lions growl and fight, 

Our Grant is pluck all through. 
The people must elect him now, 

For Greeley ne'er would do. 

But radicals must never let 

Their angry passions rise, 
The long tail coat, and ancient hat, 
Might take us by surprise. 
I remain Yours, in the bonds of Grant, 

Your revitalized DELEGATE, 



28 
FIFTH EPISTLE. 

TOPIC. 

Tom Big Bee River Post Office, ) 
America, June, 1872. \ 

To my Parental Sire, Chairman of the United States Grant 
Republica?i Committee : 
After singing those lines with much feeling and pathos, from 
the Custom House to the Markoe tavern— as I was about say- 
ing: I entered the tavern and found many of the delegates in 
the vitalizing room, imbibing and enjoying the American feel- 
ing it produces, with remarkable loyalty and deep emotions of 
responsibility and devotional patriotism. 

I then made the acquaintance of some of the most distin- 
guished Statesmen of America. Men whose names are a power 
in our dear party; men of great research in the vitalizing de- 
partment of the land; men whose national powers have shook 
from center to circumference, America, Africa, and even the 
green spot of the sea. Yes, dear Sire, I have seen men of noble 
brow and great intellect, bow to the vitalizing power, and suc- 
cumb to the slumber of its infatuation. Well, as I should say 
right here, while I was participating in the pleasures of the 
evening, I heard as in a dream a volume of the most enchant- 
ing music that I ever heard; far beyond the tamborine and 
bones. And the next thing I knew, the delegate from Tom 
Big Bee River was called ;to address the vast assemblage that 
had gathered in front of the tavern; so I was waited upon by a 
committee of one hundred and seventeen delegates and citizens 
to give my opinions on the political topics of the times So' 
you may see my dear Sire, I had a big job on hand; but the 



2Q 

mighty can swim in the ocean with more pleasure than in a 
pond, so I shall try and give you my address verbatim et 
literati))!. 

I commenced by saying : — "My loyal fellow travellers to the 
land of the hereafter. I congratulate you that it is as well with 
us as it is, where milk and honey is a staple article of com- 
merce. How much better it is for all of us that commerce has 
developed the great resources of this land, and placed things 
so convenient that we can enjoy the luxuries of all climates at 
any locality, within this unbounded land of ours." 

"We require no Moses to take us where milk and honey flows, 
for we can buy it in ar.y grocery in the land; and the mighty 
minds of America have invented or discovered an article of far 
more productive scenes of grandeur, and afforded more pleasure 
to the participator, than either milk or honey. I mean the vita- 
lizing fluid that is dished out to the delegates of this Con- 
vention." 

"Gentlemen of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, and del- 
egates of the Convention: Let me address myself to you; let 
me remind you of the responsibility that devolves upon you in 
discharging the duties as loyal citizens and co-workers in the 
loyal Radical party; the comb^tiveness of the people has had a 
fair swing for the last few years, and the result has led the 
man of Africana to the highway of art, science, and political 
economy." 

"Before you gentlemen have any idea, your city will be 

crowded by the finest living artists that ever drew a brush, both 

in landscapes and portraits. They will fill the highest positions 

n your colleges, as professors of mathematics, geology, meta- 



3Q 

physics, and belles lettres j they will occupy the professorships 
of the theological seminaries, and your military schools of 
-America ; West Point will be controlled by Africana before 
long. Your pulpits will be filled by the same once downtrod- 
den man; the legal profession and the bench, will be their first 
grab. Should you ask me why I now prognosticate their ele- 
vation, I would answer : they have the muscle, they have the 
•endurance, they have the energy, and they have longevity with 
a well balanced circulation, and good feeders. And gentlemen, 
they have the ballot as well as the bullet ; the drive as well as 
the bullet; and I will here say, that within five years the Presi- 
dency must be filled by one of those noble sons of Africana." 

'•Why, gentlemen, without the &Q-scented Africana, we as a 
Radical party can not exist nor continue ; they are our best grab, 
and only hope to reconstruction ; through the de-scented African 
we shall retain power, and be the Post Masters of America." 

"Granty must be elected, and then the fifteenth amend- 
ment will become the crowning hope for all loyal Radicals." 
As I was just saying: "The commerce of America is ponder- 
ous ; therefore, we should levy a tax on the Democrats to build 
a canal from the Lake of Michigan to Tom Big Bee River, and 
press every man to labor that will not vote for Granty ; and 
give every Africana a boat and three mules and a white driver 
to carry our cotton to market, and your vatalizing fluid to our 
river." 

"All freight must be carried free for the loyal citizens, but 
double freight to the refractory rebels who claim rights that we 
•cannot admit. All lock tenders must be de-scented Africans or 
loyal whites as substitutes, and post-offices must be placed every 



3i 

five miles, but no school marms for post-masters ; taverns every 
half mile, and the tavern keepers must give bond to have vita- 
lizeron hand at ail times, but sell none to Rebels, Democrats, 
Copperheads, nor Baptist preachers— de-scented Africans ac_ 
cepted. The name of the canal shall be known as the Tom 
Bi% Bee and Chicago Commercial Traasportation Acqua Com- 
munication Canal." 

"The depth of said canal must be twenty-three feet and three 
inches, and two hundred feet at the bottom, and two hundred 
and thirty feet nine inches and a half at the top in width, with 
a tow path on one side and a heel path on the opposite side." 

"We expect to see the mighty fleets of Africa float on those 
placid wat.rs, laden with the rich products of her well culti- 
vated farms and plantations, bound for the city of Chicago, to 
happify her loyal citizens. It will be then, and not till then, 
that Chicago shall grow and prosper mightily." 

"Whoever can see into the depth of the future ten thousand 
years, will behold in his imagination a city there unparalelled 
in the world for size and general prosperity; Africa will pour 
her sturdy yeomanry into the lap of that great city, until they 
shall number twenty-two millions ol people. It is then that 
the arts and sciences shall grow to the acme of perfection, 
morality cover the earth as a beautiful fog in the month of 
August, religion be respected on the mountain tops, wealth be 
universal, and the name of poverty be forgotton. Beauty will 
cover all nature, men and women will be as perfect as our 
first parents, and the p°rfect image of greatness. I will close 
by quoting those characteristic words of 'Nero the cruel' when 



32 

the city of Rome was in flame, that we loyal citizens can en- 
dorse as a party." 

Our land is charred with burning rage, 

While smoke's ascending high; 
With groans of torment from the sage, 

And hopes that ne'er can die. 

But we can look upon their fat>e, 

Their agonies and pain ; 
And smile to hear their groans dilate— 

Their los6, is Granty's gain . 

Our government we'll make as strong, 

And centralized as Rome; 
And what we do, won't take us long, 

If rebel* stay at home. 

. Your transparently loyal, 

DELEGATE. 



SIXTH EPISTLE. 
TOPIC. 

Tom Big Bee River Post Office, ) 
America, June 1872. £ 

To My Parental Sire, Chairman of the United States Grant 
Republican Committee : 
As I was saying in my last epistle. When I left the plat- 
form at the Markoe Tavern the night of my great speech, I 
was applauded beyond measure, the people whooped, and 
yelled. Clapped their hands with shrill whistling, and 
coughing, and hissing, and hurrahing, they gave vent to their 



feelings of approbation : those words of Xero met with the 
breeze and it went. 

My human nature was deeply moved at the ovation I re- 
ceived that night. Well as I was about saying we adjourned 
for the vitalizing room to gamble with old •'•'Bacchus*' until 
midnight. A majority of the deligates were right with me, 
congratulating me, and giving me words of encouragement as 
to the post office. 

As I said at midnight we retired in good order for the night, 
and I dreamed I saw my Dear Sire with a striped blanket on 
around his shoulder; and a spade upon his back and a pick 
beneath his right arm, with a bagpipe under his left, and a 
"Jews harp" in his mouth, going to the mountains. 

Well as I was saying I got up in the morning, and partook 
of the morning luxury with a glass of vitalizer by my side. 

From the Markoe Tavern, I went to the Girard Tavern, and 
met in the parlor the high Priest of the party, somebody told 
me he talked to the people of Brooklyn in the Plymouth 
Tabernacle. The next man I met was a man that smiled all 
the time what about I do not know. I was introduced to a 
man that would like to be Vice-President, they said he lives in 
Ohio, where it is I do not know, but I think he is a very 
loyal man, and is in favor of San Domingo, and the De-scented 
African. 

1 had the pleasure of the acquaintance of a man they said 
had been Governor of a Southern State in America, and very 
loyal and he talked to me as though he knew me all the time. 
I just thought what a blessed thing the war was, for he never 
would have noticed me when he was Governor, but such is life 
on the ocean's billows. 



34 

My special attention was directed to a short but genteel 
looking man they called General. I forgot where he lives but 
he looked as though one eye was in Massachusetts and the 
other at New Orleans, and I understands he never eats soup 
without a spoon made of silver, he is a man of great loyalty. 

My Dear Sire I cannot describe all the great men I saw for 
I seen too many for memory to retain them all. I met one 
man that held a high position in the Confederate Army when I 
■was just a Suttler, but he knew me, and I had a long talk with 
him about the time we had, when we thought we were serving 
our country on the loyal side, but we found that side would not 
■win. As soon as General Lee had surrendered I at once knew 
that I could not get a post office unless I went with the loyal 
office-seekers. 

And Dear Sire you can now see how near I was right, for 
my ambition will be gratified as soon as Granty is elected. 

Well from the Girard Tavern I walked arm in arm with 
Fred Douglass and a senator from one of the states in America. 
I think they said he was a " blood letter" and what that is I do 
not know, unless it means barber pole, that is their business. 

When I came into the convention they were all standing. I 
thought at first it was to do me honor. But at last I found 
they had an African high Priest praying for the blessings from 
above to come down. If I would have seen him before he 
commenced, I should have asked him to mention my case as 
to the post office, but I will get that anyhow. 

Well as I was saying after praying for all things except 
Greeley, Brown and the Democrats, all prayed for they were all 
standing, and it looked that way, anyhow. Then a man got 



35 

up to introduce a resolution, as a plank in the platform. I 
called him to order for said "I," " I have the first resolution 
for this convention to adopt." Ai.d here I read those verses of 
"Nero," but they said they did not want poetry, but their 
resoluticn would involve the same thing, said I, "all clever, 
go on." 

While I was sitting down and talking with a delegate the 
convention commenced hurrahing and making a big noise. I 
asked what was the matter, why said a delegate Granty has 
just been nominated, said I Bovine for Granty, I'l get the 
post office." How they nominated him without my knowing 
it I never could find out. But 1 was so glad he was nominated 
that I did not care, for there was a big burden from my 
shoulders when I found he was the man, and our party all safe 
across the river. 

The convention adjourned and the various delegates went to 
their different abodes, giving cheer after cheer for Granty and 
success. 

So 1 went with some of my friends to the Continental 
Tavern, we entered what they call the corn-room, what that 
means I do not know, unless it would indicate that those that 
live here have corns, or perhaps because the visitors that come 
here get corny. Again, it may be from the fact that they dish 
corn in fluid extract that is known in chemistry as oxide of 
bourbon, or corn distilled for medical purposes, and given in 
broken doses, when continued will bourbonize, which is synony- 
mous with the word vitalize, pertaining, contributing or necessary 
to life, very important essential, necessary, immediate, absolute, 
and from what I noticed when I was there, I came to the con- 



36 

elusion that it was well called, for a long crowd of delegates 
as well as myself felt that the necessity had absolutely arrived 
and immediate contributing was an important necessity per- 
taining to our essential being, therefore we commenced on the 
broken doses until we were bourbonized and saturated with its 
exhilarating fluidity. 

As I was saying when we were in a condition of Americans 
radicalizing, we adjourned for the night. But before adjourning 
I was called on to sing one song which 1 did with good effect, 
and my Dear Sire, I must here give you that beautiful and 
powerful production of "my eyes are dim I <annot see." 



My eyes are dim I cannot see, 
Why men should drink so much, 

Or why our delegates ghould spree, 
And yet they'l curse the Dutch. 



All nations drink as you well kuow 
Some larger and pure wine. 

Some drink fast, and others slow, 
Or drink just when they dine. 



But I'm not proud, yet like too see, 

A cup of largest size, 
Kept full unto the brim for me, 

And that will vitalize. 



I never seen a loyal man, 
But loved to prosper well, 

And drink and sup in every plan. 
But of it, never tell. 



37 

But I well know the delegates 

And know their habits too 
And know their distance, and their gait, 

And know what they will do. 

Tliey'l vitalize, yes. every one, 

Behind the door or far 
Until they think, they weigh a ton. 
They beat the Dutch by far. 
Respectfully your Political Economist, and Tornado Recon- 
structed Delegate. 



SEVENTH EPISTLE. 

Ti >PIC. 



Tom Big Bee River Tost < >i i mi, j 
America June 1872. $ 

To my Parental Sire, Chairman of the United Suites Grant 
Republican Committee ; 

I would not smtethis epistle to you were it not that truth 
must "out." And history must be written by somebody that 
will tell the truth, for if they will not relate the facts as they 
are. Time must correct the same and put the historian to 
awful bashfulness. 

Well as I was saying the next morning I felt as though the 
resurrectionists had me in charge the night before, and used 
the scalpel somewhat careless as to where they cut. My feel- 



38 

ings were Iterated, and my body scarified like a country dog 
that tried to whip all the dogs in a country village the day be- 
fore. But when I reflect upon the responsibil ties and duties 
as a delegate I wonder that my condition is as favorable as 
it is. 

My Dear Sire, making Presidents is hard work, but it pays, 
and you know that is whit we try to accomplish in our pilgrim- 
age of human destinies. 

As I was saying the seven hundred dollars I received for 
making Granty President is m:>re money than I ever had be. 
fore, and with the Post Office I think I can do right clever. 

But as I was saying, the morning after the Convention I met 
a large number of delegates at the corn room at the Continental 
tavern debating the probabilities of their success in obtaining 
the positions that they were promised providing Granty would 
be nominated. Among the number there were fifty-seven hun- 
dred Postmasters vvho said they were positive of the office. 
Quite a number of Revenue Collectors and Marshals, and six 
that thought they would be made honorary members of the 
Grant family. Sixteen had the promise of th? St. Domingo 
Commissioners, and seventeen were certain they would go to the 
Court of St. James. Where that is I doi't know. Fourteen 
had the pronrse of Internal Revenue Commissioners, and six- 
teen Commissioners of Patents. Sickles was ahead for Spain. 
Eleven delegates had the promise of Governors of Territories, 
and Chief Steward of the White House. 

One delegate told me he had made one and a half million 
dollars in the "whisky ring," what that is I don't know, and 
that Granty's nomination cost him forty thousand dol'ars, and 



39 

had more to spend to have him elected. But I think I had 
better not mention any more of our private talk for fear it may 
come to the public, and place me in a position of bashfulness. 
Well as I was saying after many of the delegates went home 
1 thought I would visit some of the many places of interest 
around Philadelphia. I visited the grave of Franklin the im- 
mortal philosopher and statesman. 

Oh! Franklin, thy immortal frame, 

In glory slumbers here; 
Thy spirits and thy deeds of fame, 

To us are ever near. 

This slab of marble purely white, 

True emblem of your heart, 
May crumble and decay with blight, 

But fame can ne'er depart. 

Your deeds of glory ever fresh, 

In hearts that lore the truth ; 
Your works below, while in the flesh, 

Are honored now forsooth. 

There is no name that labor won, 

On history's golden page; 
More brilliant than that noble one, 

The Franklin of the age. 

From Franklin's gravel went to Independence Hall. 

Where great philosophers once met, 

The wisest Of the age; 
And statesmen of the school of thought, 

The patriot and the sage. 



40 

Where men of purest motives met, 

Undaunted by King George, 
To give us liberty and peace, 

Or die at Valley Forge. 

Where Washington and Franklin bowed. 

To supplicate Gods name, 
And ask that He would help their cause, 

From whom all blessings came. 

As I was saying I left the city of Philadelphia, after bidding 
all my friends, colored and white, farewell, and as I passed 
through the town everybody hallooed fare thee well ; from the 
windows came fare thee well ; from the doors came fare thee 
well ; from the house tops came fare thee well, and when I left 
the engine stable which they call depot, I heard ten thousand 
voices, fare thee well. 

When the engine whistled, and we commenced flying 
through the dust, I felt this world is all a fleeting show. I then 
held my breath and closed my eyes and had a few inward 
thoughts of the abode where travelers don't come back. 

Well as I was saying we soon found ourselves in a State they 
call Michigan. A truly loyal State. I think the same State in 
which the blood-letting Senator lives, and where the de-scented 
people wear yellow buttons on their coats, which look very nice. 
Every time we stopped to Aqua-for-ti fy the engine, crowds of 
people came hurrahing for Tom Big Bee River Post Master, 
and as the cars move on very slow at first I heard subdued 
voices sending their vocal power heavenward, fare thee well 
Thomas Big Bee. As I was saying, about two hundred miles 
from the town of Chicago, a village they call Hudson, the cars 



4i 

stopped and everybody rushed into the cars as though they 
were frightened, and asked if Thomas Big Bee was on the train. 
A hundred voices replied yes, and I was pointed out to them. 
They rushed for me, some fell on their knees and wept, while 
others kissed my hands saying you just come in time to save a 
rebellion. Sin has been committed in our midst ; crime ot 
untold cruelties has occurred in our pious village ; injuries have 
been committed upon our scented fellow citizens ; blood ! 
blood ! blood ! is calling for veigcan:e from th* earth, and the 
clouds are weeping over Sodom and Gomorrah, and the sun 
has lost its luster and brightness, and the moon has hid in 
darkness, all in consequence of the terrible crime that history 
must record in blood and vengeance. 
Respectfully, your well poised ponderous 

Delegate. 



EIGHTH EPISTLE. 

TOPIC. 



Tom Big bee River Post Office, ) 
America, June 1872. > 

To my Parental Sire, Chairman of the United States Grant 

Republican Committee : 

As I was saying, when I got to Hudson, in the blood letter 
State, I found things in a very unhappy condition. Cruelties 
had been committed that the darkest days of bondage would 



42 

blush at, and now unthought of, much less practiced in the 
south. And, Dear Sire, when I speak of those things I feel 
deeply, for as you know I was once a driver of the de-scented 
people andmide money by it, but I never saw the same cruelties 
inflicted on a child of de-scented parents as I did in the blood- 
letter State. 

To tell of the awful spectacle that met my eyes as I was con- 
ducted to the scene of conflict and blood. My frame trembled 
at the thought of such horrible results. 

I at once saw that Michigan must be put under Martial law, 
for the wicked Ku-Klux of Michigan had committed another 
diabolical outrage upon the loyal people of this America, I at 
once telegraphed to the President to have General Sheridan put 
the State under Martial law, and I received an answer that he 
had telegraphed at once to the General to do whatever I may 
think best. General Sheridan came at once to Hudson, and 
we consulted twenty minutes, and he started for Chicago by a 
special train. His proclamation was at once issued and the 
State was filled with the best soldiers that ever trod upon Ameri- 
can soil. There were forty-seven regiments all well equipped 
and ready for business at a bugles toot. 

Well, as you well know, I was just as happy as two bull dogs 
fighting. While it was new to the people of the blood letter 
State, it was fun for me, as you well know we got np a big fuss 
in the south for whipping a "nigger" that should have been 
hung, so that we could reconstruct the State, and carry the elec- 
tion and elect the " boys we want." I can reconstruct a State 
since Granty is President when I think it needs it for loyalty's 
sake and make money by it. 



43 

When old Andy was President we had a hard time to get him 
to the sticking point, nor do we loyalties thank him for a thing, 
"but Congress was delighted." They would reconstruct on a 
telegraph from me any time and be glad for the chance. 

But, my Dear Sire, I want you to keep mum on all these 
things for there is along future before us, and we may live to 
see it out and die rich by the misfortunes of what was once the 
United States that had more glory than Greece or Rome?, and 
the hope of all civilization on the top of God's kind earth. 

But if we can make money all right. "The Parsons are on 
our side," for, as you veil know, if the Demo:rats ever get in 
power our trade will be like Demetrius in Bible times, who was 
a coppersmith and made copper gods for the people to worship, 
but when Peter and Paul commenced preaching the only true 
God he saw at once that his calling would cease if the people 
would follow their teaching. So, if you remember history, he 
got up a big fus? and commenced rallying his friends to put to 
death anybody that would say aught against their copper gods. 

We are all right ; keep mum and don't let it get in the 
pipers. Well as I was saying, we had our troops stationed in 
Hudson, and all the big towns in the State, aid we kept things 
in gooi order. N) d>scentei person was whipped without an 
order from Gen. Sheridan, while we run the State by militiry, 
as you call it in the north, by the biyonet. The child of de- 
scented parents that was whipped so cruelly, was sent to Wash- 
ington that the Reconstruction Committee might s a .e the fact 
and reconstruct the blood letter State. Well 1 st lyed for I was 
getting eight dollars a day to run the State as a delegate, and 



44 

the General was my best friend. I was looking for cotton 
bales but found none. 

Well as I was saying, the de-scented child was living with a 
Republican who voted for the Fifteenth Amendment, and was 
elec'ed by the loyal people as a Peace of the Justice; what that 
is I don't know ; and ha 1 been a prominent candidate for the 
Judgeship; what that is I don't know; but I know he is rich, 
for we made his house cur headquarters, and we lived on cook- 
ies ; what they are I don't know. 

Dear Sire if he had been a Democrat we would have gone for 
him, but as he was a loyal man we quieted the thing as much 
as possible, but as we looked upon the condition of the State, 
W2 made up our minds that a little reconstruction in Michigan 
would be a good thing for the Radical party, as you know the 
Democrats have been gaining in the State for some time, and 
they voted against the Fifteenth Amendment some four years 
ago. It is true that scented child was badly whipped, but we 
can't afford to loose the vote of our brother Esquire at Hudson, 
so we will treat him kindly for his wife done the whipping. 

As I was just saying, all the regiments were made up of 
de scented Am ricans truly loyal, and before I left not a woman 
•could go to milk without passing between two bayonets held by 
two scented Americans and giving them a drink of milk as they 
returned. Such is life in America. 

As I was saying, after matters were in a more normal condi- 
tion I appointed a Safety Committee, one from each county, 
one-half scented, the other hall mixed to run the State when I 
was home, for as you know my happy family had been looking 
for me for three weeks. Well as I was saying, after I had the 



45 

Safety Committee properly educated in the various duties of 
the responsible position, they appointed a t: Oderiferous Per_ 
ceiving Committee," one from ea:h township in the State, to- 
look after the scented citizen and the loyal whites, and to pro- 
tect them from over taxation, but spread it on the Democrats 
thick and fast, so we had all the money we needed to carry on 
our business. The Safety Committee numbered about seventy 
members at eight dollars per day, and the sub committee, or 
Oderiferous Perceiving Committee, had four dollars pzc day, 
and they numbered eleven hundred and twenty, which amount- 
ed to five thousand and forty dollars per day. Which was a 
good speculation lor my first trip as a delegate. Of course I 
only got twenty per cent of the amount as Chairman of the 
Safety Committee, and sixteen dollars per day for my services, 
and my salary would go on when I was at home attending to 
ths Post Office. 

Weil as I was saying, I had to go home and I was in a hurry 
for the Committee could run the thing without me, and my 
salary was going on. 

Well as I was saying. 1 bought a balloon of Petroleum Nasby, 
and put all my tricks aboard and started alter I was in, for Tom 
Big Bee River Post Office. But my departure was very affect- 
ing for I had things arranged just as we do in the south, and I 
felt so happy, for a Democrat never opened his mouth while I 
was at Hudson, but when he paid his tax then he swore a little 
because he said he must pay more than his Radical friend, but 
I told them " it served them right." Why don't you vote 
right ? 

Well as I was saying, my departure was affecting. Everybody 



4 6 

grave me some token of remembrance to take along to my 
happy family. I filled my balloon with Chandler's gas, and 
took a cargo of roasted chickens and roasted pigs and cookies, 
that were given me by the kind people of that loyal city, with 
seventeen bottles ofvitalizer, all of which I stored in the hull of 
my balloon. I knew that Chandler gas was powerful and 
would carry me to any part of the United States. 

Well as I was saying, I bid everybody an affectionate fare 
thee well as their loyal tears rolled down their loyal cheeks, and 
as the ropes were cut and the balloon hanging with me be- 
tween heaven and earth, I heard ten thousand voices exclaim- 
ing, and re-echoing fare thee well! fare thee well! fare thee 
well ! And I heard the winds of heaven pass by sighing, fare thee 
well ! fare thee well ! And the last voice 1 heard from the earth 
was a dog shouting from a barn yard, fare thee well ! fare thee 
well! Most respectfully, >our glad 

Delegate. 



NINTH EPISTLE. 

TOPIC. 

Tom Big Bee River Post Ofeice, ) 
America, june, 1872. S 

To my Pat ental Sire, Chairman of the United States, Grant 
Repnblicaji Committee. 
As I was saying in my last epistle, I started for home in a 
balloon from Michigan, and as it was my first experience as an 



47 

A-er-o-nout, I will try and give a faint description of the trip 
above the earth. My thoughts were ponderous when I started, 
but became more buoyant as I continued ray journey. There 
was a good breeze when I left, so that speed was not lacking. 
My feelings were different from any I experienced previous. I 
beheld, as I thought, the world beneath me in all its varied 
beauty and loveliness. I saw beauty that I never saw before. I 
observed grandeur and magnificence that I had been a stranger 
to until that moment. My eyes beheld a panorama as nature 
made it, and the coloring of that scene was not the hand-work 
of man. Oh ! had I the power of depicting what I saw ! 

The world beneath and I'm above, 

Triumphant in the sky ; 
.My speed is equal to the dove, 

And higher then they fly. 

I gambol through the clouds in haste, 

And kiss each wafting breeze ; 
The fragrance of each cloud I taste, 

And pass them by with ease. 

For "distance lends enchantment" here, 

Could I but stay so high, 
I'd float along and have no fear, 

But rather live than die. 

The mountains look as hillocks now, 

And hill as pebble stone, 
The mighty oak a bush or bough. 

Yet all I'd like to own. 



48 

I passed the rivers, scarcely seen, 

Not noticed as I crossed, 
And houses smaller than a bean, 

While man from sight was lost. 

Could I but live ten thousand years, 
Just skimming through the sky, 

And be a delegate each year, 
I'd never wish to die. 

Just as I was saying, when my mind was full to the utmost 
capacity, I mean full up to the brim of my hat, I thought of my 
spotted mule. I commenced lowering my balloon until I could 
see houses, barns, and cattle ; and I recognized the locality of 
my mule. And that was the first thought I had of halting, 
and by what means I could stop and land without being killed. 
Then fear came over this delegate. I thought what would be- 
come of my money if I was lost. Then I thought again, if I 
was killed in a strange land, out in the forest or swamp ; the 
buzzards would devour this delegate, and I could never be a 
delegate again. I thought what would become of the Post of- 
fice, and how could Granty be elected if I was not here to elect 
him ; then I thought all things are frail here below. Then I 
thought how I used to whip the scented bondsman, and just 
get seventeen dollars a month, and now I make a hat full as a 
delegate on one trip. Then I thought if I would be lost what 
would become of my mule. Then I thought how is the Blood 
Letter State, and what is the price of corn, for my mule has 
been at the tavern four weeks. Then I wondered if the papers 
would k now how I got killed, and notice my death as a dele- 



49 

gate. Then I wondered what the Reconstruction Committee 
expected to do with that scented child. Then I wondered if 
they had not better send her to the West Point Military Aca- 
demy. Then I wondered if I could not get up a row on Tom 
Big Bee River, and have Tom reconstructed. Then I won- 
dered how the Tom Big Bee and Chicago Commercial Trans- 
portation Acquaus Communication Canal would be built when 
I were gone where delegates can't come back. Then I won- 
dered if Chicago would become a city of twenty-two millions 
inhabitants before Granty's term expires. If it should, I would 
like to buy lots there and run a Post Office. Then I wondered 
how long it will require until the scented folks have become 
straight-haired ; then I wondered if it would get r ed. 

As I was saying, I felt a bump; not my head, but the balloon 
bumped against a high, old sycamore tree, and I forgot all I 
ever did wonder about. The first thing I knew, the balloon 
had a big hole in it, and I was hanging to a limb, holding like 
a loyal delegate for life, and not for Granty's life, but for my 
own. Th? balloon was flapping about the tree and through the 
branches like a wet sheet on a clothes line on a stormy day, for 
the wind was making a big fuss, and I thought trees, balloon, 
and delegate would come down, and hard would they come. — 
Well, as 1 was saying, I held to the limb, and at last I worked 
my way toward the trunk. I mean the trunk of the tree, not 
the trunk that was in the balloon hull or some place else. Well, 
with the greatest efforts that human power is capable of per- 
forming, it was accomplished by this delegate at that time and 
place as aforesaid, and I found myself between the forks. I 
wish you to know that it was the forks of the tree, and not the 



50 

forks I had in my trunk. I was standing between the forks of 
the tree, where the trunk quits, and the limbs commence about 
forty feet from the earth below, and the tree was eight feet in 
diameter at the bottom, and the circumference of that tree was 
much larger to me than the circumference of the times. 

Well, my dear sire, as you, no doubt, have already surmised 
I was very much fatigued, when I arrived at that forky spot. 
My hands were terribly cramped, and my arms so tired and 
painful that I felt faint, and sick, taking my feelings as a whole, 
and average them they would have averaged very low for a dele- 
gate with a bright future ahead; all but the forks that surrounded 
me, and they seemed better than the bayonet to hold a man, 
and guard him, for I had no way of bribing the sentinel. 

Whisky nor money could not make them wink at my depart- 
ure. — My dear sire, T had a solemn time to reflect on the past, 
and what should be, or what would be the future of this dele- 
gate ? I had money in my pocket, but could not buy a passage, 
and I was forty miles from a living being that could assist in my 
rescue. I looked heavenward, and beheld the skies, earth- 
ward, and beheld the ground, but I could see in no other di- 
rection, for I was surrounded and captured by the kings of the 
forest. 

My live seemed sweet, but how should I be saved? " Oh, 
that is the rub I" 

The sun was sending his rays from the west, and I knew that 

darkness must cover the earth, as the waters cover the mighty 

deep, and I a forest-prisoner ! "Not a prisoner of General 

Forest." 

Well, as I was saying, I was reflecting upon how I could 



5i 

make my escape, and reach Terra Firma once more. Well, I 
determined on my line of action, and success was my reward. 

I removed the garments the men call shirts. I mean my un- 
der as well as my upper. I had a knife, as luck would have it ; 
so I ripped the seams of those garments, and tore them into 
strips, platted them and made a shirt rope (I don't mean a 
shift rope), about thirty feet long, tied the rope around one 
limb, and commenced my journey toward the earth. And it 
was of short duration, for when I was about six feet from the 
ground, I let go of the rope, and I found myself on the ground 
with a thump, but all right and ready for business. — Well, as I 
was saying, the sun was still in the heavens, near the western 
horizon, so I thought I would take that direction, and I found 
myself at a farmers house next morning, hungry, tired, and 
abused. After I got a square meal, the kind farmer kindly 
took me to where my mule was, a distance of fifteen miles and 
a half. Well, as I was saying, as soon as my mule saw me, he 
blew his bugle, and I laughed. I paid the mules bill, which 
was four dollars and fifteen cents, and started for home. My 
spotted mule was as anxions to get home as I was, and we went 
at a fast gait, and got home in one day and a night. We just 
stopped to feed, and then the way we went was extraordinary. 
We got home on Sunday evening, just when the meeting was 
letting out. 

I was serenaded by the descented vocalists that night. Their 
song was the following ; 

Yes, welcome home our delegate, 
To share with home and peace ; 
Yes, welcome home to wife and mate, 
Your joys shall now increase. 



52 



Yes, welcome home our hero friend, 

Our brother and b-'hoy ; 
Yes, welcome home ; without an end — 

We wish you peace and joy. 

Yes, Thomas Big Bee welcome you, 

The waters sing thy praise ; 
The sycamores do welcome thee, 

And sing you made a raise. 

They called me out, and I responded by singing those lines 
(I don't know who wrote them) to a crowd of eleven thousand 
loyal voters : 

The old barn-yard with chicken and geese, 

The crooked horned ram, with his beautiful fleece, 

The sweet scented fowl, the bo)s call the goat, 

And pigs of all sizes, from a hog to a shoat ; 

All these are the charms of a Cluber's life. 

A family of babes, and a good wife, 

With health, and pleasure, ah ! all the year round ; 

With plenty to eat, our tables abound. 

The world has no other, so happy as we, 

On lake or river, or on the Red sea, 

Excepting me on the Thomas Big Bee, 

The happiest man, on land or on sea. 
I then retired to sleep, for the loyal night. 

Your acclimated Grantite. 

Delegate. 



53 
TENTH EPISTLE. 

TOPIC. 

Tom Big Bee River Post 



3ee River Post Office, ) 
America, June 1872. { 



To My Parental Sire, Chairman of the United States Grant 
Republic a n Com m ittee : 

As I was saying on my return from the convention I had 
piles of work to do, but everything I touched worked well. 
The neighbors both De-scented and undescented came to see 
me to find out all about the nomination and if Granty was a 
De-scented, or unscented American citizen, it was the opinion 
of many that he was of scented parentage, but I disabused them 
of that idea, and told them that he was of Caucasian race, and 
belonged to the Abrahamic stock. I mean of the American 
stock of Abrahams a blood relation of Lincoln, by and through 
the war of combativeness in America. A great many foolish 
things were asked me that I can't relate in a letter ; especially 
by the African fellow citizens, one asked me if the people of 
Chicago were all of his color, another wanted to know if 
Chicago was built on the lake, on flat boats, and how they 
could make gardens in the water, while a good old woman of 
a hundred years of age who was born in Africa was very curious 
and asked if Queen Victoria, and the Queen of Spain and 
Mrs. Lincoln kept boarding house in Chicago, and if they used 
elephants as dray horses. 

Such questions may seem strange, but why not! Old 
deacon Rosemphelt had a curiosity of knowing if St. Paul still 
lived at Chicago, and if he was not too old to preach, for he 



54 

had heard of St. Paul Church at that town. Squire Doornob 
wanted to know if Granty would be President of Tom Big Bee 
as well as Chicago. Another inquiry was if the red Injun 
pulled the cars for he had heard that engines were in front of 
trains. 

Well dear Sire enough of this, as I was saying, I organized 
a Granty club and we had a bovine time in getting it up and 
running it, but it proved a success and did much good work, 
the club numbered fourteen hundred and seven members of 
the De-scented race, of the tribe of Hannibal. I was colonel 
of the club and run it to my benefit and the good of the party, 
I was elected by a unanimous vote, and after I was elected 
they called me out for a speech and here is what I said : 

Fellow citizens of the Granty's club. It is with feelings of 
profound magnanimity that I accept this honorable position, 
not that I sought the position but when party calls my heart 
responds, party first and America second. And all my personal 
interests must yield to your interests and the object for which 
this organization was called into existence. 

I have no motives of self in view. Its Granty, victory and 
Tom Big Bee River post office that I am willing to serve and 
support to the best of my ability. You my fellow voters have a 
duty to perform of great magnitude, your actions shall deter- 
mine who shall be president of America, Africa and San 
Domingo, should Granty get elected your future shall be one 
triumphant success, wealth shall roll into your pockets like 
rocks from the mountains. Freedom shall perch on the 
mountain tops and flap her wings, and descend to the valleys 
and lay its eggs in the swamp, and hatch its young in the 



55 

desert sands, and bring up its broods in the cotton fields, and 
gambol through the forest, and sing as the nightingale in the 
heavens, and give joy and pleasure to every African unto the 
last generation. You are the people that was spoken of by the 
Prophet Richard the third. 

Let the stais become dark, and the moon forget to shine, 
and the sun as spotted as the leopard, yet freedom shall spread 
her wings over the bondsman and he shall become as free as a 
hawk. 

Fellow voters and my African brethren, loyalty demands 
much of you, you must reconstruct America, annex San 
Domingo and Africa and the islands of the sea, the world looks 
up n you in breathless suspense and s:rutinizing your actions 
with philosophical accuracy. Great public works must be built 
and erected as monuments of your skill and industry, you must 
become the tavern keepers of America, the merchants and 
artists the lawyers and doctors, the ministers and diplomatists, 
the congressmen and senators, the cabinet officers and presi- 
dents. And you can't stop there, but you must reconstruct the 
world politically and morally, you must reconstruct arts and 
sciences. 

You must reconstruct the proud aristocratic white man, until 
he bows as an humble suppliant at the majesty of your power. 
You must reconstruct society and give examples of greatness 
in the art of war. You must become the mighty leaders in 
wealth and distinction. You must put one foot on the proud 
head of Massachusetts and the other on the sands of Mexico, 
and declare that the time for obedience has come, or corns 
shall be the forfeiture, and universal confiscation. 



56 

Well as I was saying when I sat down the most deafning 
vociferation of applause followed and continued for some time 
before business could be resumed. 

Weil my Dear Sire that was a proud evening to me. I did 
not feel as the lame pup that was glad that he had three legs 
to walk with, for I have twenty-eight hundred clubists that go 
at my command and obey order. 

Just as I was saying as the applause died down I was greeted 
by a telegraph message from the Governor of Michigan that 
the state had been sufficiently reconstructed, and peace was 
declared, and the loyal whipper at Hudson would continue to 
vote the radical ticket, and the girl that was whipped was sent 
to Washington to the reconstruction committee and was ap- 
pointed to a cadetship at West Point. And that a draft was 
sent to pay me for my trouble and services with thanks of the 
governor and the compliments of the general. 

Well as I was saying we adjourned by the Africans singing 
the poetic words, called 

THE OX CROSSING THE FORD. 

The ox and the sheep, are the farmers delight, 
The horse and the ranle, and the dog that will hite. 
The pig that won't root, and the chickens that lay, 
The cow that gives milk, and the colt that will play, 
The field full of corn, and all ready to husk, 
The dawn of the day, and retiring of dusk, 
The cotton wheu ripe, and all ready to bale. 
The gold that they get, when they make a large sale. 

Your Pu-tres-cent, Punc-til-ious 

Delegate. 



57 

ELEVENTH EPISTLE. 
TOPIC. 

Tom Big Bee River Post Office, ) 
America, June, 1872. J 

To my Parental Sire, Chairman of the United States Grant 
Republican Committee : 

As I was saying, we organized a Grant Club and I was elected 
Colonel, and of course I run the machine to suit myself, and to 
my benefit. I am doing very clever with it. I have not a 
white man in the club. You can see I have the thing just as I 
want it ; the de-scented brethren obey me as an ox would his 
master, and never kick. 

We meet as a club every evening, and drill, to be ready for 
election. Every man has a musket and bayonet ready for 
emergencies ; and on the day of election we shall see that mat- 
ters do suit us. There is not a de-scented African that dare 
vote against Granty ; and if whites do, it will be woe unto them. 
We want every man in the district to vote, and vote free and 
independent; but if he votes against us, he must be dealt with 
for such disloyalty. We will not and can not, admit of disloy- 
alty to Granty. 

Dear Sire, you had better burn these epistles after you have 
read them, that nobody will see them, and keep them out of 
the papers, for truth don't look well on paper at all times; as 
you know I am in the secrets of the Radical leaders, and must 
help to hide while they steal; but it pays, and that is all we 
want, for all the preachers are on our side from New York to 
San Francisco. 1 forgot to tell you that I go to church every 



53 

Sabbath, and when they come around with the hat, I put in a 
dollar in yellow five cent back ; it looks as though I put in a 
handful. That is all right; don't you think so? Well, as I was 
saying : this Granty club gives me a large amount of business, 
for we are a kind of a regulating society; we keep our sentinels 
out on the watch, to see what the Democrats are doing; they 
dare not open their mouths when one of the club are around. 
What a glorious thing it is to live in a country that is free, and 
be a member of the club; for that makes him still more free. 
We can run the government as we please, and get paid for it ; 
and the Democrats and Conservatives must keep quiet or we 
will send the clubs after them, and confiscate their dry goods 
and farming implements, and give them to the Granty voters. 

So you can have some idea that we have things just right. 
We're going to give Granty a very large vote here, for we have 
it our own way, and each man can vote as often as he pleases, 
as this is a free country and we will make good use of our iree- 
dom. The judges of election are all rooters, so you can see at 
once how we can make votes. 1 think some of the Northern 
States should be reconstructed, you would find it the finest 
thing in the world to put the power in the hands of our friends. 

I understand that as soon as Granty is elected, he will have 
Congress to pass a law that will reconstruct some of the North. 
The name of the law is to be the Congressional Interference 
Poll Law. That is a law to make men vote the Radical ticket 
in New York, and all other cities that have too many Demo- 
cratic votes. Well, I think that will be a hit; by that means, 
New York can be carried for Granty the next ti ne he runs. 
But Chicago is Radical and need not be interfered with, for the 



59 

law is not intended for a Radical city; but this is a free country 
and let us enjoy it while it is free, for if the Democrats get in 
power, justice will be meted to all, Jew or Gentile, Mahomedan 
or Christian, Catholic or Protestant, or Rochester Foxes, or 
South Carolinian Methodists ; they must obey the Constitution 
of America, as Washington made it and Madison wrote it. 

But my dear Sire, I do not want to say too much about these 
things, for honest men or even Democrats or Conservatives, 
would blush at the thought of our crimes in politics. 

I know some people think both in the North, South, and 
Massachusetts, that all things are fair in political wire pulling. 
But when I get my mother's ideas in my head, I feel as though 
I was a terrible sinner; don't you ? For my mother told me to 
be honest, and not lie or steal in politics, or in any other mat- 
ter of gain; and I believe my mother was a good woman, and 
a christian of truth and virtue; a true mother of the Bible: 
and I love her memory and her teachings, for she told me to 
be always good, honest, and vote for justice, the Constitution 
as a Washington signed it, and believe the doctrines of Peter 
and Paul ; and when the Anti-Christ came to deceive me, to 
treat them as vipers. But what would she think if she knew 
that I was a Rooter, and committing so much sin just for a post- 
office, and a big name and a pile of money. But it creeps upon 
a man when he thinks he is a deacon ; for politics are worse 
than two snakes drove into one, in these times in America. 

My dear Sire, when I think of death and of the cold drop of 
dying moisture that shall settle on this delegate's brow in my 
departing moments, I feel as though I wish I was a christian, 
or no Radical at least. Before the combativeness of America, 



6o 

I was a happy man. I voted honest, I looked honest, and I 
was honest; for I had not enough of ability to deceive those 
that knew more than I did. But now I can deceive a preacher 
of learning, for I have been a delegate. When I was a driver 
of the de-scented Africans, I often felt that I was a sinner, and 
prayed that God would forgive my sins ; but since I went into the 
Rooting party, I don't feel like praying or even going to church, 
as I did before the combativeness. I feel as though I was lost, 
and there is no use of praying. Oh, dear Sire ! I wish I was as 
I once was, before the war ; for if I did commit some sin in 
driving the Africans, I asked God to forgive me, and then I 
never did abuse them as I now do, nor did I deceive them half 
as much as I now do, because before the combativeness the 
preachers told the congregation that love and kindness were 
true christian characteristics. But when the war commenced, 
they said go in and fight, and we'll pray for you; but I am 
afraid their prayers were never heard, for it don't look like it in 
this part of the world. How is it where you live? Did your 
preachers say Sharp's rifles and Bibles would see you through? 
What do they say now? 

When demoralization and crime has spread all over America, 
then we must take the sins of Africa and St. Domingo. We 
ought to have more preachers to pray for us; but give us a few 
christian preachers — I mean those that shall preach peace and 
love for all, and not a party. I have often wondered why 
preachers happened to be Radical in the North. I heard an old 
venerable African minister say that Peter and Paul were Radi- 
cal, and voted the Radical ticket; that he said was the reasons 
for the ministers preaching for war at one time and peace at 



6i 

another. He said the word radical came from the word root, 
or rad, which means rooting, rading; to root or to rad; or 
rooting or rading ; and that Diaboles entered the swine, because 
the swine was the rooter or rader in the olden time ; but of later 
time, men have become the rooters and raiders, and formed 
themselves into a party called Radicals, and teach the doctrine 
of rooting and raiding, which don't mean gobbling. 

But as I was saying : if the North will do as we are doing, 
Granty will be elected by the largest majority that was ever 
given to any President since Noah was elected as chief execu- 
tive of the Ark. Do your clubs look after the Democrats as 
ours do? A little more reconstruction would be a benefit to 
you, I think, and add many votes to our party. Loyalty de- 
mands prompt action with refractory Conservatives of the North. 
But Granty will make New York come, and I think that State 
will be reconstructed by Congress. 

Reconstruction is the thing, 
To our nation it will bring, 
rowers when we centralize, 
Which we shall before Grant dies — 
Make a nation without State*, 
Just the thing old Greely hates; 
One large Congress can do all, 
Crumble State — each one must fall; 
Congress must this nation rule, 
Vote for Giant, don't be a fool. 
Legislation in each State, 
All our loyal men must hate; 
All we need's one Parliament, 
That will give our President 
Just the powers he now needs, 
Then he'll crush all other creeds; 



62 

Loyal men shall be the lords, 
Own the land, the gold by cord£ ! 
Then to Rebels and the poor, 
We shall peace for them secure. 

Your truly composed Hexagon, and loyal 

DELEGATE. 



TWELFTH EPISTLE. 

TOPIC. 

Tom Big Bee River Post Office 
America, June 1872 



ricE, ) 



To my Parental Sire, Chairman of the United States Grant 
Republican Committee : 

Just as I was saying in my last, the Granty clubbers are 
doing a big thing in this part of Granty 's Political Vineyard. 
The old fogies of this district keep cool, and you scarcely see 
them out for fear the clubbers are watching them. How a 
Washington and a Jefferson would rejoice if they could see how 
we run politics. But I think we, their noble sons, can run this 
America to better advantage to ourselves than they did for 
themselves, when they had control of the machine. 

My impression is that they worked to benefit the whole coun- 
try, and all the people, which I think was a very unwise view 
of the matter where we can serve a party. 

After our noble Granty shall become President the second 



63 

time and then the third, you shall see things in a different 
shape. 

The man that don't take good care of his own household is 
worse than two Injuns. 

Granty will take gool care of his large household with fidel- 
ity and unfliching devotion to his friends. The paramount 
duty of a good man is, first self, and the supporters of self. 
With all the respect that I may have for the memory of Wash- 
ington, and I love his memory, I have come to the conclusion 
he would seem very much like a fogy if he was among us now. 

I think he would be too Conservative. He certainly could not 
be a Radical, and show the same disposition, and advocate 
the same doctrine that he did when he was President of the 
United States. 

His views and ideas were too expansive and comprehensive 
for these times. And I often think of our lamented and beloved 
Abraham, the American President during the combatitiveness. 

As I was saying, if he should have lived, his national views 
were not what sectional and radical parties require. For a party 
to thrive and prosper it must be circumscribed in its usefulness, 
and not go outside of party lines. It is like partnership busi- 
ness. Each partner must take care of the others interest, and 
if each one will do that, the whole interest is cared for, and 
wealth and power will be the result, at the sacrifice of all the 
rest of the outside world. And form a partnership business 
for a mutual benefit, and not for the benefit of others. Our 
Radical party was organized for the benefit of its members, and 
not for the benefit of Democrats or Conservatives, but for us 
and no others, and I think Granty will carry it out on that 



6 4 

principle. The interest of our party is to make it as large as 
possible and as rich and powerful as an organization can be. 

As I was saying, the first duty then for each member of our 
party to accomplish is to put money in his pocket. I mean 
make all the money that is possible for himself, and when we 
are all lich, and have made it out of the positions we hold as 
office holders, then of course the party will be rich, because its 
members are all rich. I mean those that run the government. 
Of course we don't expect to make the poor voter rich, the de- 
scented or white, for that would be bad policy, for if they would 
be rich they would become independent, and vote as they 
please, but keep the voters poor, and keep them in money 
about voting time, and that will keep them on our side. A 
little money goes a good ways just before the election. There 
is no use of working as we do to keep the party together unless 
it pays. But, my Dear Sire, these things must not be talked of 
in public. The man that can't hide in these times is a very 
poor financier, and will die a poor man. If a man wants to be 
a successful politician of the Radical party he must not be too 
conscientious, no more than if he would be a successful money 
maker. I think the servant is worthy of his hire, and so says 
the preacher. 

I think the ministers as a party are the most successful men 
we have in America. And it is easily accounted for why they 
are so successful ; they meet the demands of the people. ( I 
mean political preachers. ) When it is popular they preach 
that hell is a lake of fire, but when that doctrine becomes un- 
popular they preach that hell is a state or condition ; and when 



65 

that idea becomes unpopular the y preach that the word hell, or 
hades, is figurative, and that future punishment is a parable, 
but meaningless now. When war is popular they preach war 
is right, and encourage the old and the young to go to war and 
kill each other, for patriotism is religion, and they pray for 
them when the battle rages, and when laid upon the stretcher 
in pain they comfort them by prayer. But when peace is the 
most popular they, these same men, preach peace, love and 
good will. They will talk of the horrors ot war, and that God 
cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance ; that 
he that is guilty of the least is guilty of the whole. 

My Dear Sire, all this preaching seems to be for money, for 
I think their salary goes on in peace and war, hell or no hell,, 
so you see success must follow. And these preachers are all on 
our side, but a few Democratic preachers that preach the old 
doctrines of Paul and Peter, but you know they are fogies, ten 
years behind the age and poor at that. Our popular preachers, 
are rich and prosperous. I often stop and wonder are we right 
in carrying our radical ideas as far as we do ? Is it right to 
persecute the Conservatives and Democrats as we do ? Misrep- 
resentation is our capital and stock in trade, and the moment 
we quit, the Democrats will come into power. 

Well as I was saying, when Granty becomes President I 
think Congress should pass a law giving our political preachers 
a regular salary from the American treasury, for the services 
they have, and the services they are now performing. I think 
a law to give each preacher who will preach loyalty and Rad- 
ical doctrines, (not Bible) shall be paid from the treasury not 
less than fifteen hundred dollars a year in gold or silver, and 



66 

not in paper that may fluctuate. If it was not for the preach- 
ers of the north we would be in a bad fix as a party, and I say 
they should be paid. It is wonderful what an influence the 
preacher may have on the young mind to shape it in the way- 
it should go in politics, and we must keep them on our side or 
we shall sink and die, without a resurrection in the future. 
But I think Granty will see that, and take care of them, and 
recommend that their salary be paid to them out of the treasury. 
Suppose it would cost. The American Treasury is rich. So 
let it shell. 

As I was saying, twenty thousand preachers at fifteen hun- 
dred dollars would only cost thirty millions of dollars per an- 
num, and I think it would be the cheapest way to run the 
Radical party, because the young men would come up educated 
to the doctrine. 

My Dear Sire, I wish you would think of these things, and 
when you lecture you had better recommend preachers' salary. 
I feel deeply on the success of our glorious party. That is my 
apology for talking so plain on the present and future of our 
party. 

Freaciiers, Beechers, money and U. Granty, 

Surely can from palace to a shanty, 

Drive each vote into the rooting party, 

For old corn will make each rooter hearty. 

Your political rooter and pious counselor, in the confidence 
of our dear fellow travelers toward power, wealth and unconsti- 
tutional liberty, I am, dear sir, your very kind and affectionate 

rooter, 

The Delegate 

From Tomas Big Bee River. 



6 7 



THIRTEENTH EPISTLE. 
TOPIC. 

Tom Big Bee Post Office, ) 
America June, 1872. $ 

To My Parental Sire, Chairman of the United States Grant 
Republican Cojninittee : 

I was saying in my last that the Grant clubbers are all right, 
we had a large demonstration last week, and the clubbers were 
out with their possum skin aprons on, the hairy side out, and 
caps made of ash splints as baskets are made, with a turned up 
rim, and fastened at each side with a button made of brass, as 
large as a potato, with a bird on the button that looked like a 
hawk ; they were out in full clubbers uniform with muskets 
and bayonets, and each a torchlight for the night. It was a 
sublime spectacle to behold. And this delegate was the com- 
mander-in-chief of all the forces. I rode my spotted mule at 
the head of the column, I marched the clubbers fifteen miles 
that day through the country, so that planters could see us and 
quiver, for most of the planters are conservatives or democrats. 
All the rich families are very retired and say but little, but vote 
against us when they are not afraid. 

Well as I was saying I wanted them to see us, for they won't 
come where we are. It will take some time for them to ap- 
preciate the African vote, but time is a great teacher. They 
must bend to the power of controling destinies. I was once 
as much opposed to the African voting, but I found that was 



6S 



the grab to make if we intend to carry the South for our party. 
And I went into it with a determined conclusion of rooting my 
way to greatness. If our party is the rooting party, let us root 
ourselves into position and wealth. Just look at the men that 
were unknown before the war that have rooted themselves into 
respectability. My Dear Sire: Election day will be the big 
day for America. To say only America would be meaningless. 
But Africa shall rejoice and kill a fat bull calf and make a feast, 
and sing songs, and dance the Arabian Knights, and marry 
and give in marriage, and play on the tamborine, and they 
shall make music like unto the rumbling of many waters ; and 
the young men shall talk wisdom, and the old men be 
gladdened ; and the women shall burn their chignons, and bathe 
their feet in oil as a demonstration of thtir joy at the manilest 
destiny of Granty; and the isle of the sea shall leap with 
spasms of joyfulness and paroxysms of g'adness. 

We have twenty-two barrels of vitalizer that came to hand 
yesterday for election. I intend to have the clubbers out in full 
uniform, and treat them freely on vitalizer that will give them 
courage. We'll see that conservative voks will be scarce, and 
democrats remain at home or vote for Granty. 

We expect to see some tall voting for Granty. I expect to 
be at the polls all day myself, and help the judges, and run the 
clubbers, and as as soon as the votes are counted I will let you 
know all the results. We will vote seven days, (Sunday in- 
cluded) but the first da> we expect to do the big thing. As 
soon as the result is known I think I shall start for Granty to 
see him about the post office. 



6 9 



OUR MOTTO YOU WILL READ. 

Our motto is the votes, 
Vote often and repeat ; 
Our motto is " blue coats" 
And victory complete. 

Our motto is to beat, 
For rooters are ahead; 
Our motto is to cheat, 
Or stuff the box instead. 

Our motto is to crush. 
The democrats, and all ; 
Our motto is, don't blush, 
At anything this fall. 

Our motto is, you must, 
Or stay at home; and dont. 
Our motto is we'll bu3t, 
The democrats that won't. 

Our motto is to drive, 
With clubbers, and with gun ; 
Our motto is contrive 
To banish every one. 

Our motto is we own, 
America you know ; 
Our motto is in tone, 
No sympathy for foe. 

Our motto is no man, 
Shall vote for Greeley here; 
Our motto is we'll scan, 
All tickets without fear. 



7° 

Our motto is for power, 
We'll have it or we'll bust; 
Our motto is " right bower," 
And have him, that we must. 

Our motto is the gold, 
We'r getting it I know ; 
Our motto is, be bold, 
And take it from your foe. 

Our motto is be sure, 
And never drop an end ; 
Our motto is secure, 
And rally ro\vnd your friend. 

My dear Dear Sire: The clubbers will sing " our motto" 
at the polls all day, I have selected twenty-two as a vocal 
band, and deal out the vitalizer. They have practiced on 
this song for three weeks, and they can make a perfect cataract 
of it, you can hear them two miles off, and I find that the vital- 
izer improves their vocal powers. They sing better and louder 
when they have taken freely of the aforesaid fluid. 

I have seventeen kegs of powder all right to kill game, I 
mean fowls that can't fly. We'll have some fun with the 
African in giving their names to the board of registration, they 
think that is voting when their name is put on a book. 

When they asked what is your name they very frequently 
say Granty, that is they think they are voting for Granty. 
There was an African came up to the register that is quite 
intelligent, and said gentlemen I wish to have my name 
registered so that I can vote for Greeley and Brown, well that 
name was not registered, you know they did not have time. 



7i 

And when the vocal band struck up their motto the poor fellow 
got almost white and shook as though he had a paroxysm of 
fever and ague. I pitied Rim, but it serves him right. No 
De-scented men can vote at these polls unless they vote for 
Granty. 

Dear Sire : I wish you could be with us a week for we shall 
have a gay time of it. We'll make our best grab, we have 
every thing fixed to turn out all the votes we want. I just got 
a telegraph from congress enquiring if things were all right. I 
answered the game will be bayed. Victory will be ours, the 
loyal rooters are ahead, with increased majority, for opposition 
we'll have none. 

Our motto is success, 
For Granty and for me ; 
Our motto is, caress, 
De-scented as you see. 

Your conglomerated, believer in freedom and Granty 

Delegate. 



FOURTEENTH EPISTLE. 
TOPIC. 

Tom Big Bee River Post Office, ) 
America, June, 1872. $ 

To My Parental Sire, Chairman of the United States, Grant 
Republican Committee. 

My last 39 reasons why Grant should be elected by the loyal 
voters of America. 

1st. Because he knows how to play President. 

2d. Because he likes the position. 

3 d. Because it pays. 

4th. Because destiny placed him there. 

5th. Because his friends want him to serve. 

6th. Because his friends can make it pay. 

7th. Because he is a good judge of a cigar. 

8th. Because he never drinks anything stronger than Vitalizer, 
and of it no more than what he desires. 

9th. Because he knows, if he is re-elected this term, we can 
easily elect him the third term, and that is just what we 
want, that hold office right long, without being disturbed, 
or turned out. To hold a good office twelve or sixteen 
years, must pay 



73 

ioth. Because poverty disturbs Friendship. 

nth. Because wealth makes friends. 

1 2th. Because political power can make the weaker bow, as 
Nero did Peter and Paul before the Cross, when he 
was President of Rome, and held the Writ of Ha-be-as 
Corpus in his filthy Palm. 

13th. Because he would rather take care of his relation, than 
have his Kin take care of him. 

14th. Because he'd rather be slave for the dear people, as Pre- 
sident, than be the slave of a President. 

15th. Because he rather rules, than be ruled. 

1 6th. Because he rather be the king of frogs, than frog of kings. 

17th. Because he rather be a Sun in the torid zone, than a 
Moon in the temperate zone. 

1 8th. Because he rather be a Hornet with a stinger, than a Bee 
without a stinger. 

19th. Because be rather have the gold in coin, than dig a hole 
in the mountain, or gather it in the sand. 

20th. Because he rather be Dexter, than a spoted dog beneath 
the wagon. • 

21st. Because he rather be the Cock that crowed Peter's guilt— 
than a chicken hatching fowl eggs in a brier bush. 

2 2d. Because he rather be a Buffalo, than an artificial calf. 



74 

23d. Because he rather be a Prairie dog, than an unnoticed 
mouse. 

24th. Because he bottled Butler, and has not uncorked the 
bottle since. 

25th. Because he dropped Sumner from the chair to his feet. 

26th. Because Morton is the stock, Cameron the lash, and 
Conkling the cracker of Grant's whip. 

27th. Because the Senate and the House are Grant's ten-pin- 
allies ; he does the knocking down, and the people do 
the setting up at their own expense. 

28th. Because Zackarius' Blood letter Chandler said he must 
be re-elected, or else Chandler will go to New York and 
have John Boxer Morrisy give him lessons in the pugi- 
listic fine arts. Then he will box Sumner, Trumbull, 
Schurz, worse than he did Grant when he was Com- 
mander at Detroit. 

29th. Because Brownlow is all right and master of ceremonies 
at Brownlow's old skating rink, that is known by the 
name Hzcell. 

30th. Because Tanning southern hides don't pay without war. 

31st. Because Col. Forney is for Grant or no President, unless 
he can smoke. 

32d. Because Ulysses means "a hater," that is he hates to be 
out of office. 

33d. Because he is purer than Chandler, more scholastic than 



75 

Sumner, more profound than Webster, more subtile than 
Butler, more eloquent than Clay, prettier than Conklin, 
as gentle as Mrs. Woodhull, a better driver than Bonner, 
as smooth as Cameron, as meek as Brownlow, as gabby 
as Morton, as shrewd as Pomeroy, as docile as Corbett, 
and as kind as a Nero, as brave as Jeff. Davis, as pious 
as Beecher, as versatile as George Francis Train, and 
as modest as Susan B. Anthony. 

34th. Because he is a mighty General, and if the Democrats 
and Liberal Republicans don't quit fussing, we must have 
a general who will let the cart wheel of destruction pass 
over them, and the smoke of their ambition ascend as 
gasses of decomposed bodies who died for want of loyal 
breath. 

35th. Because if we would have had Granty in place of Lin- 
coln, in our late Com-bat-ive, Con-fis-ca-tive, Pro-cras- 
ti-na-tive, Dil-a-ta-tive, Dis-truc-tive, Sword exercise, he 
would be monarch of all he surveys. 

36th. Because the President of America should be a General, 
and not a Tribune writer, or farmer, or lecturer, nor a 
man that wears old clothes. 

37th. Because men are the image of their creator, and as frat- 
ricidal war was Grant's creator, King Cotton war's pro- 
genitor, and com-bat-ive-ness Grant's education, he is 
better prepared to understand and control the people of 
Columbia, than the Red man of the forest, irrespective of 
name or birth. 



7 6 



38th. Because the President should understand the horses that 
he drives, as well as the men and women that he rules, 
which has become an ocular demonstration to all good 
loyal men. 

39th. Because he wants all his relatives to hold office. I hope 
to retain the Post office, and I hope your Chairmanship 
may continue while life is the mover of all things. 
In solid ponderosity in grains, 

I remain your cubic foot, 

THE DELEGATE. 



EXCLAMATORY. 

My very dear Sire ! 

Granty should be elected, because the 
Carpetbagger who make politics their trade, are worth more to 
us as a party than any other mechanics. 

In solid ponderosity, with scruples in the future, with a few 
grains of allowance in the past, 

I am your cubic 

Delegate. 



77 

FIFTEENTH EPISTLE. 

TOPIC. 

Tom Big Bee River Post Office, ) 
America, June, 1872. <j 

To my Parental Sire, Chairman of the U?iited States Grant 
Republican Committee : 

With solemn feelings I write this last epistle. I must tell you 
of the wickedness of man, and how fallen human nature may 
pervert even good things. The people are singing songs to the 
disparagement of our dear fellow man, Grant, the candidate 
for President. I heard the following song sang by a hundred 
people. I hope you will see that such things shall be stopped, 
and the wicked people reconstructed. 

Here is the song just as I heard it, chorus and all, verbatim 
et literatim. 

Your troubled 

DELEGATE. 



78 

GRANT WILL SWITCH THE TRACK. 
Come Greely, Brown, and Liberty, 

Give freedom to each State; 
And union, concord, peace and love, 

Fromchaos you create. 

Chorus— For Grant at last will switch the track, 
To let our Greely pass ; 
Philosophers lead trump with "jack," 
Ulysses whispers "pass. " 

You'll bring us back to where we know, 

This government must be ; 
Then let the fathers and the sons, 

In every State agree. 

Chorus— For Grant at last will switch the track, 
To let our Greely pass ; 
Philosophers lead trump with "jack," 
Ulysses whispers "pass." 

You will protect where rights demand, 

The poor as well as rich ; 
And give prosperity to all, 

When Granty takes the switch. 

Chorus— For Grant at last will switch the track, 
To let our Greely pass ; 
Philosophers lead trump with "jack," 
Ulysses whispers '-pass." 

You'll bring us back to peaceful days, 

When love shall rule the hour; 
As Washington in early times, 

When States retained some power. 

Chorus— For Grant at last will switch the track, 
To let oui Greely pass ; 
Philosophers lead trump with 'jack," 
Ulysses whispers "pass.'' 



79 

The old men then shall weep for joy, 

The manly soldier pray; 
'Thank God once more has vouched us safe, 

The day of Henry Clay." 

Chorus— For Grant at last will switch the track, 
To let our Greely pass ; 
Philosophers lead trump with "jack," 
Ulysses whispers "pass." 



The mother clasps her little child, 

And draws it to her breast; 
And feels America shall be, 

The home of God's dear blest. 

Chorus— For Grant at last will switch the track, 
To let our Greely pass ; 
Philosophers lead trump with "jack," 
Ulysses whispers "pass.'' 



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